I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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