I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
