When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
