Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
