peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
