Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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