So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
