she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
