So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
