Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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