why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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