normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I'm getting married
To pizza
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
