Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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