I am in a vortex of obligation.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
