hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
