I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
