a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
