1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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