she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
