My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
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