when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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