How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I touched a dick in church today
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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