my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize