i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
