Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
