too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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