So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
