I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
How external is "for external use only"?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
