How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
