I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
