my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
