Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
