Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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