We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
