I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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