I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
