Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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