youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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