I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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