we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.