You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
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You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion