There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
