i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
