What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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