What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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