i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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