I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
