So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
