My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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