Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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