There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
