were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
