Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
