Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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