his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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