you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
