Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
