Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
