i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
