My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
